On the Importance of 1967 Chevrolet Impalas and Similar Matters
by frozen-delight
Summary: Sherlock is struggling with the intricacies of this dating lark, which is decidedly complicated by the sudden involvement of cars. Anthea is sympathetic. [Anthea&Sherlock texting ficlet with background Sherlock/Dean.]


A nonsensical little Anthea&Sherlock texting ficlet for **Sakuradrops141** who wanted Sherlock/Dean involving the Impala. And who am I to ever say no to Sherlock/Dean?

Warning for mild mentions of alcoholism and drug abuse.  
Unbetaed. Apologies for any mistakes.

Thanks for reading - please enjoy!

* * *

This is intolerable. SH

_Sweet. We only parted 48 hours ago and you're already throwing a full-blown sulking fit? It's lovely to be missed._

How amusing. SH

_I know – I think myself incredibly amusing too._

_Since you're texting me, I trust that your Prince Charming isn't too amused with you right now?_

Yes. SH

No. SH

I don't understand. SH

I seem to have insulted – him – the car – I don't know, none of it makes sense. SH

_Don't worry. He's an American, that's their habitual state of being._

He keeps calling it Baby. SH

The car. SH

This is also confusing. SH

_Are you jealous?_

Don't be ridiculous. Why would I be jealous of a car? SH

Apparently, it's not just any car, it's a 1967 Chevrolet Impala, and saying anything else is grossly offensive. Do you now see what I mean? SH

_The art of precision. You two are hellishly well-matched._

I'm only precise when it's important. SH

What's so important about cars? SH

Or 1967 Chevrolet Impalas? SH

_I have no idea. Sentimental value?_

I suggested as much, but the results were inconclusive. SH

_What do you mean?_

I told Dean that I understood the car held special importance to him given that various members of his family have bled all over it. SH

This only made him more angry. SH

_Why is he angry at all?_

_Because of incorrect car taxonomy?_

No. I proposed to drive. SH

_Dear Lord, please don't!_

Don't be like that. I'm not a bad driver. I just get annoyed with all the gears. SH

But this one's an automatic. SH

_That's good news at least. Poor John's still traumatised from your trip to Baskerville._

_So your boyfriend's upset because he's fearing for the life of his precious car?_

This fear is wholly unfounded. SH

I think he's also angry because I told him he was too drunk to drive. SH

_A piece of relationship advice, darling: Don't call your alcoholic boyfriend who doesn't want to admit to his alcoholism drunk if you can help it._

_Though obviously if you'd want me to I could always have him whisked off to rehab somewhere._

Don't even think of whisking anyone off to rehab ever again. SH

_Sorry._

_Really, Sherlock._

Apology accepted. SH

Tell me what to do. SH

_What do you mean?_

Dean's shouting at me that I shouldn't have nicked his car keys from his pocket to make my point. SH

_Honestly, if you wanted a boyfriend who'd happily be pickpocketed, you should be dating your cute inspector._

_Wait, he's shouting at you? Right now?_

Yes. SH

_If you're in the middle of one of your endless tiffs, possibly you shouldn't be texting me._

I can multitask. SH

Not that Dean believes me. SH

He's been trying to snatch the phone away from me for the past ten minutes. SH

_I hate admitting it, but he might have a point._

But I don't know what to say. SH

Currently I'm improvising. SH

I need you to back up my defence strategy. SH

_Your defence strategy?_

_Sweetheart, you're really not doing this dating lark very well._

_Nowadays the language of love is preferred to be an effusion of spontaneous feeling, rather than something that sounds like it's been taken straight out of a Common Law lecture._

_Or so I've been told. _

_Sherlock?_

_Are you still there?_

_I really hope your silence means you're having a proper adult conversation and not that your boyfriend has finally decided to murder you. Getting your body back to England would be horribly messy. Think of all the administrative hassle._

_If you must get yourself killed, please do it in England or at least within the borders of the EU._

_Preferably don't get killed at all._

_Sherlock?_

_Even though I'm doubtlessly the most fascinating person imaginable, this unilateral conversation is getting a little boring. I'm beginning to understand why the Spanish emperors organised an auto-da-fé from time to time to amuse themselves._

_Talk to me, or I'll book your brother on the next flight to Kansas._

Don't you dare. SH

_I'm a little disappointed that old threat still works._

Mycroft's always a threat. SH

_But I'm glad to hear from you again._

_Not dead then?_

Silly question. No. SH

_No lasting injuries?_

No. SH

_Has your boyfriend ditched you and taken off on his magnificent wheels?_

No. SH

_That's good. Have you resolved your quarrel like adults then?_

Yes. SH

… like adults. SH

_Oh God._

_I take it you didn't say much._

You didn't tell me what to say. SH

I improvised. SH

_Your improvised defence strategy certainly seems to have worked wonders._

_I'd have liked to see you put it into action. Where is a security camera when I want one?_

_Care to share the particulars?_

_Simply to satisfy my purely juridical interest?_

_Sherlock?_

_Oh God._

_I take it your boyfriend needed some more… persuading._

_Whatever you do – don't crash the car!_

_Hacking into Kansas' public surveillance system as we speak._


End file.
